she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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