yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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