why im i the only drunk person in the library?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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