End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
