just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
