i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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