i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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