dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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