Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I will pee on everything he values.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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