I look better un-naked...
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
