I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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