Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
