I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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