even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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