OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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