last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
