I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
