don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
