i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Randomize
