Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Randomize
