I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
