god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
