My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
