Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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