you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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