make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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