I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Randomize
