my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
