Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
