the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
