Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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