Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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