He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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