the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
