i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
