Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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