I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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