call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
