I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
