I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
