I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
