somebody snuck up and got me drunk
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
