yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
