When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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