If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
