Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
