Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
