I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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