my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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