Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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