my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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